My birthday present. Thanks Honey!

I’m still here.

Slowly, I have made my way through all the events of the past three weeks since Bob’s death. We  have had two beautiful yet  delightfully different memorial services for him. One service here in Asheville, then another in Akron.  Yes, the services were different, yet uniquely fitting to who Bob was.  The services were filled with friends,family, music and love. We could not have asked for more.

I returned to Asheville last Sunday with my dearest friend and partner in most crimes(think Lucy and Ethel) Carol. Care drove me back and spent the week with me. Not only was it a wonderful chance to just spend time together, but I don’t even want to think about how difficult this past week would have been without her here.

Here is a little glimpse of last week:

• I called insurance companies,Bob’s retirement,investment people, banks,utilities and medical groups during the week. Each call meant pulling out a folder, reorganizing and learning what in the world these people did for us, or what we owed them, or how we paid them and when. Each call would start with, “Hi, this is Annie Gustely and my husband just passed away.”  which was then often followed by a brief silence  and an awkward reply of how sorry they were. It honestly did not get easier with each call, but I did it and all in all everyone was helpful. The next steps are not totally confusing and I will tackle them next week. Thank goodness for time off from work. There is so much to do and it can be mentally fatiguing.
• Care and I did the whole “pack up the closets and drop off at Good Will” thing.  Actually, Care did the drop off. Good-bye dearly loved ratty t-shirts,fleece jackets and suits that Bob had not worn in years. Sniff.
• I am starting to get the hang of this online banking thing. Even though, I am pretty sure it is magic, it has not been as hard as I feared it would be. Care put up with the immense amount of talking to myself it took to figure this out. Bob had sat down with me months ago and talked me through the bill paying,online checking and banking. I dutifully wrote it all down in “The Book”(a notebook that I have been writing everything down in for months…and I mean everything) step by step.

Step one- turn computer on…

Step two – find Quicken and double-click icon… (yeah, go ahead and laugh but next month I am going to have to look this up again and follow each and every step.) Note: if I lose “The Book”, I’m in big trouble.

• On Monday I received a delivery from a furniture company. Bob had ordered  a sideboard for the eating area as a birthday present to me. Surprise!  He must have ordered it a few months ago as it was custom-made at an Amish company in Ohio. We had discussed it, but I had no idea he had ordered it. Thanks Honey, it’s beautiful. And thanks Carol, I would not have wanted to be alone when the furniture guys moved the piece in.
• Carol and I laughed, cried, and talked till our throats were sore and our jaws hurt.  We had a wonderful dinner with my principal one evening and an inspiring evening of poetry and music at Jubilee another evening. I will always appreciate how Care is able to step in just when I need her. I can only hope that I always do the same for her.

Yes, I am still here. I know I am just beginning to  touch the surface of my grief and healing. I also know that despite the huge learning curve of this new life before me, I will be fine. I am blessed with caring, supportive children and family, wonderful friends and a job I love. God is good and keeps me close.

“Promise me you will always remember – You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think”

* Christopher Robin to Pooh. (thank you Jennifer, for reminding me of this Pooh quote. It arrived at just the right time.)

Robert K. Gustely 4/28/51 to 10/24/09

My darling husband moved from this life to the next today at 4:52 p.m. His peaceful passing was witnessed by his family as we sent him on with our deep love and gratitude for having had him in our lives. He abides with a Holy God and we are blessed. 

Our life as taken on it’s own quiet pattern in the last few days. It revolves around 24 hour medications given every 2 hours and sips of water or bites of food. He is particularly fond of the Butternut Squash soup we received from dear friends as well as 3 a.m dishes of vanilla ice cream. When Bob wakes we have a chance to visit a bit.  He likes finding someone there when he wakes up and will smile and laugh quietly. He is noticeably less alert this morning. Hopefully he will be able to enjoy some time with those that have just arrived. I have said it before but it can not be said enough, this is a peaceful, sad, sacred and holy time as we sit along our beloved husband,father,brother,uncle and friend. As he moves from life to life I am reminded how all things; life and death,joy and sorrow,pain and peace are part of what life is about. We must experience all in a full worthwhile life.

Thank you everyone for you good thoughts,prayers and love. We feel wrapped and comforted in midst of our time.

On Thursday of this past week, we invited Hospice into our home. When Hospice comes everything takes a shift. All the focus on treatments, cures, studies and negative treatment effects are dropped. With that also goes a lot of the striving for the next step. I suppose some would see that as a ending of hope, but it is far from that.

Before hospice came in we were making multiple trips to the doctors and infusion clinic for chemo. Each one took more and more energy and was  difficult beyond reason. The MRI on Wednesday was dismal failure and a turning point all at the same time. In the past Bob sailed thought MRI, CATS,PETS and the whole alphabet soup of scans. For this one he was so shaky and began to panic mid way through. I am not even sure they will be able to use the results.
Bob has been removed from all the aggressive treatments for his stage 4 melanoma. The disease has spread to multiple areas of his body and has shown to be resistant to all the treatments they have tried. The last round of chemo was for palliative care and in hopes that it might shrink the brain stem tumor a bit more, allowing for some quality time. The last round was the worse of the bunch and really was more of a knock- out punch then a help. Three weeks later, Bob has become increasingly more fatigued and sleeps more than he is awake. Hospice began their in home care on Friday. What a wonderful organization and I feel that they are a real answer to pray. They bring just the right amount of support and knowledge. At this time a nurse will visit us 2 times a week but we can call 24 hours a day and increase the visits at any point. 
We pray for Bob to have the alertness and energy to enjoy visiting family and friends. We also continue to pray for peace and continued lack of pain.
Thank you all for your love and support
Love
Annie

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The napping house. That pretty much sums up our house as of late. Bob is really feeling the effects of the last round of palliative chemo and the increase of the melanoma has  slowed him down to one big long nap. If you add two dogs a rainy few days and the quiet snoozey quality of our house you get the picture. So if you plan on visiting bring a blanket and your most comfy cuddle up clothes. You just might want to snuggle in.

Plus I made croissants.

I’ve been looking back at some old recipes lately. Sometimes the best things we make are the ones we have made for years. Perhaps it’s the change of seasons and the cooler temperatures of autumn that make me nostalgic. Whatever the cause, I have been enjoying the cooking memories.

In my cupboard, right above the salt cellar and olive oil, hides a silly little cookbook shaped like a cooking pot. This  is a quirky, spiral bound, aptly titled ”What’s Cooking? Favorite Recipes” and it’s one of my prized possessions.  It is cute beyond what, if you knew Mom ,would ever think she would own. It was practical. Now that is what Mom was all about. True, it is greased stained and has remains of cookie dough and unknown red stuff splattered on the cover, but I tell you I would cry if I lost it. I would run back to get it in a fire, that is after I save my family, dogs and signed copy of  Gourmet cookbook. This is my mother’s “going to Chautauqua for the summer need all my favorite recipe”  notebook. It has all my childhood favorites (and a few childhood horrors) typed and pasted on it’s pages.

I know you want examples:

• Meat and Cheese Appetizers (what? )cream cheese, marinated artichokes, chopped waterchestnuts…how 70’s is this.
• Spinach dip ( with Knorrs Swiss Vegetable soup mix) and Moulded Lime salad. I, by the way, won a ribbon in the 4H fair for this jello and cottage cheese creation. So stop laughing.
• Pizza Hamburger Pie (yuck! Ask my sister, this is the worst. A real hide it in your napkin and pretend to be done dish) add this to Shirred Baked Eggs and that about sums up my worst childhood dinner time nightmares.
• Beef With Oyster sauce,Chicken Kung Pao, Humus, Chickpeas,Spinach and Feta ( now we’re talking) Sauted Eggplant with Garlic
• A wonderful Beef stew, The best Mac and Cheese, White Chili, Chicken and Herbs, Indian Style Fried Cabbage and Potatoes.
• Then the only 6 desserts Mom ever made; Mary’s Fudge Pudding, Molasses Cookies, Gingerbread with Vanilla sauce,Apple Dumplings,Pineapple Upside- down Cake and Apple Crisp. That’s it. If you remember Mom you remember one of these.
• I could go on, for Mom was an adventurous cook, but this is really all about meatballs. Burgundy Meatballs

Cute! Ahhh, it looks like a steaming pot of vegetable soup.

Typed and pasted on. How organized,how Mom!

If you google Burgundy Meatballs you get a lot of reference to chaffing dishes, cocktail parties and toothpicks. This recipe has to be from the early 60’s at least and probably would have been clipped from Woman’s Day or Better Homes and Gardens. I can picture Mom  sitting on the kitchen stool  at the kitchen counter, clipping recipes. If it was the early 60’s there would have been an evening martini and a small pile of potato chips near by. That smell combination will bring me back to when I was 4 or 5 in a minute.

Well back to the matter at hand, meatballs. This was the “go to” recipe for potlucks, guests and cold winter evenings. I loved them then, I made them as a single girl (or gal as my mom would have said) and I still make them now. They always are a big success. Except that one time I made them for a boyfriend and they turned out purple and fell into a pile of mush. But hey, so did that relationship.

Over the years I have taken the liberty of improving the recipe a bit. Mom still would have liked the recipe.

Burgundy Meatballs (without the chaffing dish)

1 lb ground beef

1 cup bread crumbs

1 teaspoon cornstarch

1/2 cup minced onion

1/2 teaspoon allspice

1 teaspoon smoked Paprika

1 egg slightly beaten

3/4 cup milk

1 teaspoon salt

2 tablespoons olive oil

3 tablespoons flour

fresh pepper

2 cups beef broth

1 Cup Burgundy

• Combine the first 9 ingredients and shape into golf ball sized meatballs.
• In a skillet, brown meatballs in oil ( or bake on a cookie sheet in a 350 degree oven and you can skip the oil)

Now is the point when you sneak a bite of one of these babies.

• Remove meatballs from  the pan and pour off all but a few tablespoons of fat.
• In the skillet, blend flour into pan drippings.
• Add broth and Burgundy, stir till smooth.
• Add the meatballs back in, cover and simmer for 30 minutes.
• Serve over rice, noodles or mashed potatoes
• These only get better as the sit, so consider making these a few days ahead and reheating them later in the week.

Who doesn't love brown food?

Thanks mom!

Every once in a while I return this blog to the more serious side of our lives. A health update on Bob is where my thoughts are today. All the scans have been read and we had the requisite visit to the oncologist for the run down. Updates should be in bullet form don’t you think? I love a good bullet.

• Bob has completed 2 rounds of the most recent chemo for his melanoma. The side effects were worse this time around but, he still continues to get out and about. You can’t keep a good guy down.
• His latest scans show “mixed” results. Which we are told is the same as saying that the chemo is not working. There is a small increase in the number of tumors and some tumors are larger. There are two new tumors in his brain that are very small.  The good news is that the tumor in his brain stem has shrunk significantly. And hey, what I like to call the humor tumor is almost gone… that would be the one on his buttocks. ( 7th grade humor that makes me smile everytime.)
• Bob is going to try one more round of chemo next week. Our thought is that while we understand that all treatment options have been exhausted, the fact that this chemo has somewhat reduced the size of the scary brain stem tumor, perhaps it can reduce it a bit more. Keeping this particular tumor in control is a real quality of life issue. One more round and then treatments will be over.

So that’s were it stands. Bob is tired but upbeat, loving life and living with the blessings and grace of today. God is good, life is precious.

Now for a dose of cuteness to lighten the mode. Our new pup,Oliver and his favorite toy .

 

“There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the plague;
But they gave him some butter,
     which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.”
Edward Lear, English artist, writer; known for his ‘literary nonsense’ & limericks  (1812-1888)
 

“Unbuttered toast is a substance half complete, and to be forced to eat it in that state is necessarily to feel deprived.”
John Thorne, ‘Pot on the Fire’ (2000)

 

 

“Never allow butter, soup or other food to remain on your whiskers. Use the napkin frequently.”
Hill’s Manual of Social and Business Forms: Etiquette of the Table (1880)
 

Oh Butter….. how I love thee.  There must be a sonnet out there somewhere that sings the praises of  this, my cooking friend. Everything is better with butter. I can go through a sinful amount of butter in this house, especially when cooking. ( Doesn’t that leave you wondering what else I do with butter? Get your head out of the gutter!) I’m trying to tell you it is the beginning and the end of some pretty fantastic recipes. Pie crust, all butter, (Crisco does not live in our house anymore) cookies, ditto, as a finisher to a pan sauce, a requirement. Let us not forget; smeared upon corn on the cob, fresh bread, my evening slice of toast….  get the picture?

By now you are preparing to call together a group of friends and sit me down for an intervention.

 “Gosh guys it’s great to see you all, what a surprise!”

” Annie,  we need to talk. You know we all love you, so we can’t just stand by and watch you ruin your life.  It’s this butter thing. It has got to stop! Don’t you see what it’s doing to you. You’re hooked ! You need to seek help or a program or something.”

“ Thanks guys but it’s not that bad. I can stop anytime.”

Mary's Blueberry (ton of butter) Pound Cake. Swoon!

“You’re in denial Annie, and can you pass me a piece of that pound cake?”

You know there has to be  a recipe on this page somewhere. We are going for the gold, as in butter gold.

Eggs Benedict (otherwise know as eggs topped with eggs and butter)

 I use a blender for a fool-proof Hollandaise sauce. Do as I say and you will be in hog heaven in no time. (hog heaven, get it?)

Hollandaise Sauce

• 1 stick of butter
• three egg yolks
• the juice of 1 lemon
• cayenne pepper
• salt and pepper

1. Melt the butter so that it is very hot, bubbling but not to the point of browning. ( I do this in the microwave with the butter in glass or microwave dish.)
2. While butter is melting, separate eggs leaving yolks in blender. (store whites for a healthy egg white omelet tomorrow. You will need it when repenting for today’s cholesterol overload.)
3. Add the juice of the lemon and dash of cayene pepper to the blender.
4. Now here is the tricky part. Put the top on the blender,but remove the little inner cap. This will allow you to add the butter with out wearing the sauce in the process. Experience talking here.
5. Begin to blend the egg yolks and lemon while slowly pouring in the hot butter. Continue to blend for 2 or 3 minutes as the sauce thickens and cooks in the blender.
6. Stop and taste. Add salt and pepper if needed.
7. Admire the beautiful Hollandaise you have created. Show it to the family and remind them how impressed they should be.
8. Now begins the warning part, for things can go terribly wrong at this point. ( again, experience talking here) This sauce should be kept gently warm as you poach your eggs. I suggest having a pan of hot (not boiling) water near by. Make sure that you have the heat off under the pan. With the  sauce still in the blender container, set it in the water till you are ready to use it. Do not reheat the sauce at this point or you will have butter scrambled eggs and not the good kind. Yuck! I know what I am talking about. Left over sauce will need to be warmed over a double boiler or warm water. I prefer to just eat it all in one sitting. (Here lays part of my problem perhaps?)

Now do your really need to know how to poach a few eggs, toast some english muffins and warm up a few slices of Canadian bacon? Really? OK. here it is quick and dirty.

1. Fill a shallow skillet with water. Water depth should be at least 3 inches.  Bring water to a boil. Crack one egg at a time  into a small ramikin or dish. When ready to poach egg, give the water a stir to bring down the boil of the water, and slip the egg gently into the water. Repeat with each egg. Allow egg to cook till desired doneness, 3-5 minutes. I like mine a bit runny so I will allow water to boil up over the top and wait about 2 minutes or so. You can also gently spoon the hot water over the top of the egg. Once egg is evenly opaque it should be done. Leave egg for a minute or so longer if you like a harder cooked egg. Slip the Canadian bacon into the water for a minute to warm it up.

Now assemble your Eggs Benedict.  Toasted english muffin, topped with a slice of Candian bacon on each, poached eggs and a healthy drizzle of your Hollandaise sauce.

Enjoy and I am truly sorry that I have led you to the dark butter side.  Maybe we could start our own recovery group. “Hi I’m Annie and I am a butterholic.” “Hi Annie.”

“Eat butter first, and eat it last, and live till a hundred years be past.” Old Dutch proverb

 “I am in a very unsettled condition, as the oyster said when they poured melted butter all over his back.”
Edward Lear,  ‘literary nonsense’ (1812-1888)

Yes, I have been remarkably silent for the past few weeks. I have started and stopped so many posts that I am not sure where to begin again. I always promised myself that I would not apologize for not blogging every week. It seems like whining and I would never presume that my ramblings are in anyway that important. So, here is my non-apology and my humble explanation that I have been just too bone tired and spent to be coherent. But in order not to risk losing the interest of some of my favorite people, I will give an update in the life and adventures of Annie from Asheville and family.

• School is wonderful, frustrating, meaningful, exhausting, touching,  hilarious, painful and just plain work.
• Bob is hanging in there. He finally was able to do his second round of his current chemo and his blood counts stabilized last week. The full battery of scans are scheduled for Thursday and Sunday. Hopefully we will have a better idea of what the cancer is doing come next Tuesday. We are working on patience and peacefulness. We could use the prayers.
• A publisher from Houghton Mifflin Harcourt saw my cooking through Gourmet cookbook blog and sent me a new copy of their soon to be publised Gourmet Today cookbook. bonappetittoyoutoo.blogspot.com  They asked me to preview it and consider blogging about it. Pretty cool! I got a free cookbook and a nifty apron in the deal. This might be the only payment I ever see for my hobby. Am I famous now? Interesting considering I have not actually posted there since May. I stopped for the summer and Bob’s treatments didn’t always jive with cooking experiments. This might just get me going again. But I might need to change the name of the site.
• I promise once I get my groove back and my head on straight, I will finish the 5 unfinished posts lurking in my draft box. But no apologies.