I am working on what it means to be me now. It proves to be an uphill process. I am not sure I will know when I arrive at the new me, the me that is no longer an us.  Will new parts of me emerge?  Will never before known personality traits start popping up? Maybe I will just refine, re-define,re-establish who I already am. I rather look forward to looking back a year from now and seeing what the results will be.

I’m not sure about much, but I am sure that I take a lot of love, memories,strength and support along with me.  So, with a great deal of  deep breathing and patience, I can usually count on taken two steps forward for every one step I take back. You’ve got to love those step backs though. It’s the  times that stretch you that make you a deeper,richer person.  

How’s that for vague introspection? An entire entry that while not really telling you any specifics of how it is going for me at least touches on what’s happening in my heart.

Stay Tuned. Work in Process.

I am feeling sharp and a bit proud of myself this week. I have moved from hours of phone calls and forms to actually fixin’ stuff. And guess what! I’m handy. Who would have guessed. Um ….not me. Household repair stuff has always been Bob’s forte not mine.  So much so, that I had not a clue too… well that list can be left to the imagination,  suffice it to say the list is long. If you want to know how to clean it, cook it, grow it, not offend it or turn it into a creative new project with knitted accents, you can count on me. But fix it, know if it has a warranty or who to call if I can’t fix it…..not my job. But it is now. This whole new reality is more than a little scary for me.  When I found my self in deep water ( or should I say cold water) with a finicky, going bad hot water tank, I plunged right in and got me feet wet. Brian (my wonderful soon to be son-in-law) gave me the tour of the tank when it began to give us trouble  a few weeks ago. I soon became an expert on how to reset the thing. In hindsight, I should have been more concerned with the fact that I was resetting it so often. Like every day. When it was working the water was BOILING hot. I now understand that when it went from ice-cold to boiling hot and nothing in between, that this should have been my first clue that the thermostats were going.  I am giving you permission to use me as a cautionary tale. Long story shorter, I now know not only how to reset it, how to turn the temperature up or down, what a pressure bladder is, who the plumber is and where the warranties are.  Tah Dah!!! Now off to a well deserved hot shower. I have a sore shoulder from all the congratulatory back patting I have been giving myself.

My birthday present. Thanks Honey!

I’m still here.

Slowly, I have made my way through all the events of the past three weeks since Bob’s death. We  have had two beautiful yet  delightfully different memorial services for him. One service here in Asheville, then another in Akron.  Yes, the services were different, yet uniquely fitting to who Bob was.  The services were filled with friends,family, music and love. We could not have asked for more.

I returned to Asheville last Sunday with my dearest friend and partner in most crimes(think Lucy and Ethel) Carol. Care drove me back and spent the week with me. Not only was it a wonderful chance to just spend time together, but I don’t even want to think about how difficult this past week would have been without her here.

Here is a little glimpse of last week:

• I called insurance companies,Bob’s retirement,investment people, banks,utilities and medical groups during the week. Each call meant pulling out a folder, reorganizing and learning what in the world these people did for us, or what we owed them, or how we paid them and when. Each call would start with, “Hi, this is Annie Gustely and my husband just passed away.”  which was then often followed by a brief silence  and an awkward reply of how sorry they were. It honestly did not get easier with each call, but I did it and all in all everyone was helpful. The next steps are not totally confusing and I will tackle them next week. Thank goodness for time off from work. There is so much to do and it can be mentally fatiguing.
• Care and I did the whole “pack up the closets and drop off at Good Will” thing.  Actually, Care did the drop off. Good-bye dearly loved ratty t-shirts,fleece jackets and suits that Bob had not worn in years. Sniff.
• I am starting to get the hang of this online banking thing. Even though, I am pretty sure it is magic, it has not been as hard as I feared it would be. Care put up with the immense amount of talking to myself it took to figure this out. Bob had sat down with me months ago and talked me through the bill paying,online checking and banking. I dutifully wrote it all down in “The Book”(a notebook that I have been writing everything down in for months…and I mean everything) step by step.

Step one- turn computer on…

Step two – find Quicken and double-click icon… (yeah, go ahead and laugh but next month I am going to have to look this up again and follow each and every step.) Note: if I lose “The Book”, I’m in big trouble.

• On Monday I received a delivery from a furniture company. Bob had ordered  a sideboard for the eating area as a birthday present to me. Surprise!  He must have ordered it a few months ago as it was custom-made at an Amish company in Ohio. We had discussed it, but I had no idea he had ordered it. Thanks Honey, it’s beautiful. And thanks Carol, I would not have wanted to be alone when the furniture guys moved the piece in.
• Carol and I laughed, cried, and talked till our throats were sore and our jaws hurt.  We had a wonderful dinner with my principal one evening and an inspiring evening of poetry and music at Jubilee another evening. I will always appreciate how Care is able to step in just when I need her. I can only hope that I always do the same for her.

Yes, I am still here. I know I am just beginning to  touch the surface of my grief and healing. I also know that despite the huge learning curve of this new life before me, I will be fine. I am blessed with caring, supportive children and family, wonderful friends and a job I love. God is good and keeps me close.

“Promise me you will always remember – You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think”

* Christopher Robin to Pooh. (thank you Jennifer, for reminding me of this Pooh quote. It arrived at just the right time.)

Robert K. Gustely 4/28/51 to 10/24/09

My darling husband moved from this life to the next today at 4:52 p.m. His peaceful passing was witnessed by his family as we sent him on with our deep love and gratitude for having had him in our lives. He abides with a Holy God and we are blessed. 

Our life as taken on it’s own quiet pattern in the last few days. It revolves around 24 hour medications given every 2 hours and sips of water or bites of food. He is particularly fond of the Butternut Squash soup we received from dear friends as well as 3 a.m dishes of vanilla ice cream. When Bob wakes we have a chance to visit a bit.  He likes finding someone there when he wakes up and will smile and laugh quietly. He is noticeably less alert this morning. Hopefully he will be able to enjoy some time with those that have just arrived. I have said it before but it can not be said enough, this is a peaceful, sad, sacred and holy time as we sit along our beloved husband,father,brother,uncle and friend. As he moves from life to life I am reminded how all things; life and death,joy and sorrow,pain and peace are part of what life is about. We must experience all in a full worthwhile life.

Thank you everyone for you good thoughts,prayers and love. We feel wrapped and comforted in midst of our time.

On Thursday of this past week, we invited Hospice into our home. When Hospice comes everything takes a shift. All the focus on treatments, cures, studies and negative treatment effects are dropped. With that also goes a lot of the striving for the next step. I suppose some would see that as a ending of hope, but it is far from that.

Before hospice came in we were making multiple trips to the doctors and infusion clinic for chemo. Each one took more and more energy and was  difficult beyond reason. The MRI on Wednesday was dismal failure and a turning point all at the same time. In the past Bob sailed thought MRI, CATS,PETS and the whole alphabet soup of scans. For this one he was so shaky and began to panic mid way through. I am not even sure they will be able to use the results.
Bob has been removed from all the aggressive treatments for his stage 4 melanoma. The disease has spread to multiple areas of his body and has shown to be resistant to all the treatments they have tried. The last round of chemo was for palliative care and in hopes that it might shrink the brain stem tumor a bit more, allowing for some quality time. The last round was the worse of the bunch and really was more of a knock- out punch then a help. Three weeks later, Bob has become increasingly more fatigued and sleeps more than he is awake. Hospice began their in home care on Friday. What a wonderful organization and I feel that they are a real answer to pray. They bring just the right amount of support and knowledge. At this time a nurse will visit us 2 times a week but we can call 24 hours a day and increase the visits at any point. 
We pray for Bob to have the alertness and energy to enjoy visiting family and friends. We also continue to pray for peace and continued lack of pain.
Thank you all for your love and support
Love
Annie

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The napping house. That pretty much sums up our house as of late. Bob is really feeling the effects of the last round of palliative chemo and the increase of the melanoma has  slowed him down to one big long nap. If you add two dogs a rainy few days and the quiet snoozey quality of our house you get the picture. So if you plan on visiting bring a blanket and your most comfy cuddle up clothes. You just might want to snuggle in.

Plus I made croissants.

I’ve been looking back at some old recipes lately. Sometimes the best things we make are the ones we have made for years. Perhaps it’s the change of seasons and the cooler temperatures of autumn that make me nostalgic. Whatever the cause, I have been enjoying the cooking memories.

In my cupboard, right above the salt cellar and olive oil, hides a silly little cookbook shaped like a cooking pot. This  is a quirky, spiral bound, aptly titled ”What’s Cooking? Favorite Recipes” and it’s one of my prized possessions.  It is cute beyond what, if you knew Mom ,would ever think she would own. It was practical. Now that is what Mom was all about. True, it is greased stained and has remains of cookie dough and unknown red stuff splattered on the cover, but I tell you I would cry if I lost it. I would run back to get it in a fire, that is after I save my family, dogs and signed copy of  Gourmet cookbook. This is my mother’s “going to Chautauqua for the summer need all my favorite recipe”  notebook. It has all my childhood favorites (and a few childhood horrors) typed and pasted on it’s pages.

I know you want examples:

• Meat and Cheese Appetizers (what? )cream cheese, marinated artichokes, chopped waterchestnuts…how 70’s is this.
• Spinach dip ( with Knorrs Swiss Vegetable soup mix) and Moulded Lime salad. I, by the way, won a ribbon in the 4H fair for this jello and cottage cheese creation. So stop laughing.
• Pizza Hamburger Pie (yuck! Ask my sister, this is the worst. A real hide it in your napkin and pretend to be done dish) add this to Shirred Baked Eggs and that about sums up my worst childhood dinner time nightmares.
• Beef With Oyster sauce,Chicken Kung Pao, Humus, Chickpeas,Spinach and Feta ( now we’re talking) Sauted Eggplant with Garlic
• A wonderful Beef stew, The best Mac and Cheese, White Chili, Chicken and Herbs, Indian Style Fried Cabbage and Potatoes.
• Then the only 6 desserts Mom ever made; Mary’s Fudge Pudding, Molasses Cookies, Gingerbread with Vanilla sauce,Apple Dumplings,Pineapple Upside- down Cake and Apple Crisp. That’s it. If you remember Mom you remember one of these.
• I could go on, for Mom was an adventurous cook, but this is really all about meatballs. Burgundy Meatballs

Cute! Ahhh, it looks like a steaming pot of vegetable soup.

Typed and pasted on. How organized,how Mom!

If you google Burgundy Meatballs you get a lot of reference to chaffing dishes, cocktail parties and toothpicks. This recipe has to be from the early 60’s at least and probably would have been clipped from Woman’s Day or Better Homes and Gardens. I can picture Mom  sitting on the kitchen stool  at the kitchen counter, clipping recipes. If it was the early 60’s there would have been an evening martini and a small pile of potato chips near by. That smell combination will bring me back to when I was 4 or 5 in a minute.

Well back to the matter at hand, meatballs. This was the “go to” recipe for potlucks, guests and cold winter evenings. I loved them then, I made them as a single girl (or gal as my mom would have said) and I still make them now. They always are a big success. Except that one time I made them for a boyfriend and they turned out purple and fell into a pile of mush. But hey, so did that relationship.

Over the years I have taken the liberty of improving the recipe a bit. Mom still would have liked the recipe.

Burgundy Meatballs (without the chaffing dish)

1 lb ground beef

1 cup bread crumbs

1 teaspoon cornstarch

1/2 cup minced onion

1/2 teaspoon allspice

1 teaspoon smoked Paprika

1 egg slightly beaten

3/4 cup milk

1 teaspoon salt

2 tablespoons olive oil

3 tablespoons flour

fresh pepper

2 cups beef broth

1 Cup Burgundy

• Combine the first 9 ingredients and shape into golf ball sized meatballs.
• In a skillet, brown meatballs in oil ( or bake on a cookie sheet in a 350 degree oven and you can skip the oil)

Now is the point when you sneak a bite of one of these babies.

• Remove meatballs from  the pan and pour off all but a few tablespoons of fat.
• In the skillet, blend flour into pan drippings.
• Add broth and Burgundy, stir till smooth.
• Add the meatballs back in, cover and simmer for 30 minutes.
• Serve over rice, noodles or mashed potatoes
• These only get better as the sit, so consider making these a few days ahead and reheating them later in the week.

Who doesn't love brown food?

Thanks mom!

Every once in a while I return this blog to the more serious side of our lives. A health update on Bob is where my thoughts are today. All the scans have been read and we had the requisite visit to the oncologist for the run down. Updates should be in bullet form don’t you think? I love a good bullet.

• Bob has completed 2 rounds of the most recent chemo for his melanoma. The side effects were worse this time around but, he still continues to get out and about. You can’t keep a good guy down.
• His latest scans show “mixed” results. Which we are told is the same as saying that the chemo is not working. There is a small increase in the number of tumors and some tumors are larger. There are two new tumors in his brain that are very small.  The good news is that the tumor in his brain stem has shrunk significantly. And hey, what I like to call the humor tumor is almost gone… that would be the one on his buttocks. ( 7th grade humor that makes me smile everytime.)
• Bob is going to try one more round of chemo next week. Our thought is that while we understand that all treatment options have been exhausted, the fact that this chemo has somewhat reduced the size of the scary brain stem tumor, perhaps it can reduce it a bit more. Keeping this particular tumor in control is a real quality of life issue. One more round and then treatments will be over.

So that’s were it stands. Bob is tired but upbeat, loving life and living with the blessings and grace of today. God is good, life is precious.

Now for a dose of cuteness to lighten the mode. Our new pup,Oliver and his favorite toy .