I’m still here.

My birthday present. Thanks Honey!

I’m still here.

Slowly, I have made my way through all the events of the past three weeks since Bob’s death. We  have had two beautiful yet  delightfully different memorial services for him. One service here in Asheville, then another in Akron.  Yes, the services were different, yet uniquely fitting to who Bob was.  The services were filled with friends,family, music and love. We could not have asked for more.

I returned to Asheville last Sunday with my dearest friend and partner in most crimes(think Lucy and Ethel) Carol. Care drove me back and spent the week with me. Not only was it a wonderful chance to just spend time together, but I don’t even want to think about how difficult this past week would have been without her here.

Here is a little glimpse of last week:

• I called insurance companies,Bob’s retirement,investment people, banks,utilities and medical groups during the week. Each call meant pulling out a folder, reorganizing and learning what in the world these people did for us, or what we owed them, or how we paid them and when. Each call would start with, “Hi, this is Annie Gustely and my husband just passed away.”  which was then often followed by a brief silence  and an awkward reply of how sorry they were. It honestly did not get easier with each call, but I did it and all in all everyone was helpful. The next steps are not totally confusing and I will tackle them next week. Thank goodness for time off from work. There is so much to do and it can be mentally fatiguing.
• Care and I did the whole “pack up the closets and drop off at Good Will” thing.  Actually, Care did the drop off. Good-bye dearly loved ratty t-shirts,fleece jackets and suits that Bob had not worn in years. Sniff.
• I am starting to get the hang of this online banking thing. Even though, I am pretty sure it is magic, it has not been as hard as I feared it would be. Care put up with the immense amount of talking to myself it took to figure this out. Bob had sat down with me months ago and talked me through the bill paying,online checking and banking. I dutifully wrote it all down in “The Book”(a notebook that I have been writing everything down in for months…and I mean everything) step by step.

Step one- turn computer on…

Step two – find Quicken and double-click icon… (yeah, go ahead and laugh but next month I am going to have to look this up again and follow each and every step.) Note: if I lose “The Book”, I’m in big trouble.

• On Monday I received a delivery from a furniture company. Bob had ordered  a sideboard for the eating area as a birthday present to me. Surprise!  He must have ordered it a few months ago as it was custom-made at an Amish company in Ohio. We had discussed it, but I had no idea he had ordered it. Thanks Honey, it’s beautiful. And thanks Carol, I would not have wanted to be alone when the furniture guys moved the piece in.
• Carol and I laughed, cried, and talked till our throats were sore and our jaws hurt.  We had a wonderful dinner with my principal one evening and an inspiring evening of poetry and music at Jubilee another evening. I will always appreciate how Care is able to step in just when I need her. I can only hope that I always do the same for her.

Yes, I am still here. I know I am just beginning to  touch the surface of my grief and healing. I also know that despite the huge learning curve of this new life before me, I will be fine. I am blessed with caring, supportive children and family, wonderful friends and a job I love. God is good and keeps me close.

“Promise me you will always remember – You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think”

* Christopher Robin to Pooh. (thank you Jennifer, for reminding me of this Pooh quote. It arrived at just the right time.)